Saint Bortemus

“You mentioned smuggler – Bortemus’s ballsack!”

''“I didn’t realise you were an adherent of Saint Bortemus the Fish Charmer,” he said mildly. - Black Lotus and Çrom Skelliglyph''

Good old Saint Bort is what happens when a Firstmade doesn't want too many people looking too closely at what exactly was really ''happening in that pond, and so decides to let the human have a win for once. - Andrew Hindle''

Saint Bortemus of Garney, also known as Bortemus the Fish Charmer or simply Saint Bort, is a little-known Saint in the wider Pinian canon. One of the few human priests to be canonised before the Flutter, he is often overlooked in favour of the large number of splinter-denomination Saints to be formally canonised between 0 and 2378 AD, and recognised by the Pinian Church thereafter.

There is disagreement among historians as to whether Bortemus of Garney was even an official priest of the Pinian Church, or simply a civilian resident of the small town of Garney who was retroactively ordained as part of his canonisation.

The Pinian Gospels refer to the charming of the fish as the only miracle - indeed, the only known act - that Bortemus of Garney ever performed. While interpretations of the Gospels that refer to this deed as Saint Bortemus's Sole Miracle are widely believed to be works of parody due to their crude insinuations and the unusual number of fish puns included in the verses, they nevertheless adhere to the same general narrative.

The Pinian First Disciple, most likely Speed at that point in Earth's history, was enjoying the waters near Garney when threatened by a "great fish". In different interpretations this "fish" has been variously identified as a shark, a dolphin, a whale, a golden carp, and even a Dragon who had been disturbed while hunting. Since the only bodies of water sufficiently close to the municipality of Garney to qualify as the waters near Garney were small lakes incapable of supporting large marine animals, and a heavily disputed waste treatment reservoir containing no naturally-occurring fauna except filter flukes, the story is widely agreed within the Pinian Church to be allegorical.

Bortemus of Garney was said to have charmed the great fish and lulled it to sleep with gentle song, although once again different interpretations refer to him battling the fish and subduing it by force; tricking the fish by use of riddles; and befriending and even beguiling the fish by different means that are agreed to have been mistranslated by scribes over the years.

Thus saved, the First Disciple gratefully agreed to make Bortemus of Garney into a Saint of the Pinian Church for all the Ages of Gods and Men, provided he take a holy vow of silence and adhere to it for the rest of his days. It is widely agreed that Bortemus of Garney did so, although the interpretations of the Gospels differ wildly on how long he lived after taking his vows.